Do Your Part. The Rest is Not Up to You

اعملي اللي عليكي التوفيق من عند ربنا

For the longest time I didn’t get that. I didn’t really comprehend the meaning behind the words. Sure I know that everything happens according to the will of God. But what did it mean to me to do my part and that’s it? For a well-bred perfectionist that doesn’t make any sense. It’s not in my original programming. I needed an upgrade.

So my father explained to me that I should learn to accept that life doesn’t work according to what I think I want. So I should stop worrying about the what ifs and the coulds and shoulds. I should instead focus my energy (again focus, it’s a recurring theme with my dad that one), I should focus my energy on doing what I should do and give it my best. Whether or not I reach the result I think I should reach is really not up to me. We tend to forget that as humans when we see things happening according to an idea we have in our minds. We end up thinking that we willed it to happen, when in fact we had nothing to do with it.

It’s a very thin, but quite distinct line, if you think about it. It certainly makes life a whole lot easier. Just do your part and have faith that things will be the best they should be, even if you don’t get how that really is.

I’m sure someone out there will start saying that this is being weak and passive. It means not going after what you want. Not at all. In fact, I think it’s the exact opposite of being weak and passive. It’s not like you’re not doing anything. You’re doing your part, you’re doing it in full. But you’re doing it, and doing nothing else. You’re not trying to control anything, or stressing yourself out trying to get something to be just as you want it.

The trick, I think, is to properly identify your part, and have the control and self-discipline to do it, do it well, and let go of everything else.

How to Concentrate on the Task at Hand

I remember the first time I was given a clear demonstration of how, and why, I should give whatever I’m doing 100% of my brain power.

Back when I was 10 or thereabouts I was preparing my uniform for this in house basketball match the next day. My parents were coming to watch. I was really psyched. I couldn’t find my favorite shorts. I didn’t bother to look hard enough because I didn’t have that much time, I needed to go to bed (we had extremely strict bedtime hours). So, I took a pair of spare ones that I didn’t like that much, because they didn’t fit well and gave me bad wedgies.

The next day, my parents came as promised, and I was really looking forward to showing them my hoop skills. Only I never did. In fact I had a pretty bad game and I ended up not playing that much. Needless to say I felt really bad.

Later that evening my father came into my room and talked to me about it. He explained to me that I used up a lot of my focus on trying to fix my shorts, when I should’ve been paying attention to the ball and trying to score. He asked me to think back to the game and identify the best player. I visualized her. He asked me if I had noticed her doing anything else other than giving her undivided attention to the game. Begrudgingly, I said no. He told me that if I ever want to perform to the best of my ability at anything then I need to prepare for it as best I can (and well in advance), have all my tools ready and in their best condition, so that when the time comes I can give my task my full attention. Of course, I couldn’t help but admit he was right.

Prepare, perform with focus, and have faith in your abilities.

Relax. Take it Easy

He told me that way before Mika did. He told me you don’t have to be serious all the time. It’s OK to chill. Cut yourself some slack.

I was confused. Weren’t you the one who told me that I should concentrate and focus from the second I wake up (check "Don’t Let Life Just Pass You By"  http://daddyz-rambling-fool.blogspot.com/2008/11/dont-let-life-just-pass-you-by.html ). Yes. But that’s doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have fun and go easy on yourself. Everything has it’s own time. When you work you focus on work. When you play you focus on play. That way everything gets it’s fair share and you’re balanced enough to do everything properly and you can concentrate on what you’re doing. And Have fun doing it. See?

I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff. Remind me to explain to you his recipe for concentration.

Don’t Let Life Just Pass You By

You should concentrate from the second you wake up, my dad always tells me. My answer is: Dad, come on, don’t you think you’re pushing it too far? How can someone focus every second of everyday of his life? Doesn’t it get boring?

If you don’t focus you won’t perform to the best of your ability and then you sell yourself short, is how he explains it.

For example: two people walk through the same street, at the end of it one of the two can’t remember anything about the street, because he wasn’t paying attention. The other remembers the big tree, the bird on it, a couple of houses, people they passed by, the color of one of the cars. The next day the they pass through the same street again, and again, one doesn’t pay attention, and ends up taking nothing away with him from his journey. The other however, builds on what he saw yesterday, and now he remembers that the tree has apples the bird is blue, the street has houses on one side and gardens on the other, and the color of two cars.

If you don’t focus you’re going to miss on life’s little treasures. If you don’t focus you can’t build your intelligence (Next time I’ll tell you his definition of intelligence).

Now that would be a great loss.

Committing to Anything, Even Love, is a Burden

Yup, he said that. My father, a hot-blooded Middle Eastern man, openly acknowledged love to his young, unmarried daughter, way back when she was a teenager. Can we move on now?

The idea of being responsible for something, or having to take any given action on a regular basis is a burden, not to mention a bit daunting. Doesn’t matter that it could be something you like doing, like playing a certain sport or a musical instrument. Sometimes you just won’t feel like doing it. We’ve all been there. The trick is not to force yourself to do them, but to realize that the time will come when you won’t want to do whatever it is you don’t want to do. So you either cut yourself some slack and not do it (knowing full well that you can’t always let yourself off the hook, after all you are a responsible human being). Or if you must do it, and there’s no way around it, then you do force yourself to do it, but then you reward yourself with something nice, for being such a responsible, dependable person.

Know that you’re not a machine. You have your ups and downs, your highs and lows, your great days and your off days. Embrace your flaws. Love your quirks. They are part of who you are. Believe me, that really does make you stronger.

If You Can’t Trust Someone, You Can’t Have a Healthy Relationship with Them

He never said those exact words, but he showed me. He showed me that trust is very important. That trust has to be earned. That trust is very hard to bring back if it’s lost –sometimes you can never get it back, no matter how hard you try.

Dad never used to monitor my every move and breathe down my neck like so many Middle Eastern men. Don’t get me wrong, dad is a through and through “Se3eedy” (a man from Upper Egypt: strong traditions, believes in propriety, that sort of thing). He’s a very intimidating, foreboding and domineering man when needed. He’s also very reasonable, understanding and logical. He taught me early on that I have to be a responsible human being –trustworthy, honest, and self-disciplined. I shouldn’t need to be monitored to act properly. I know what’s right and wrong all on my own; they can’t watch me all the time. He knew that and I got to know that. Soon I realized that if I wanted to do something I’ll find a way to do it. And because he was a kid once too and went through all the phases before me, he could relate.

I remember: I would be the only kid in my group of friends whose parents knew the truth of where they really were at any given moment. Not because I was kept under lock and key –far from it, but rather because there was an open conversation channel between us. You want to go to the movies, sure honey. You want to go to your friend’s birthday party, why not. Give your mother the house’s phone number. Once I was so tense before my IGCSE English final that my father allowed me to go watch a movie to chill a little.

As a result, I never lied to my parents, hid stuff from them, or had any friends they didn’t know about. To most people around me I was a freak of course. Some even thought I was lying to them.

Now, a single female in my thirties, I have the family house to myself. Yes, you read right. I’m a single, Egyptian female, and I have been living for the majority of the last two years on my own. Both my parents are alive and well (thank God for that), and I want them to be around for many, many, many more years. How this came about is a long story, but the gist of it is that it was a conscious decision by my father, because, as he puts it, I’m at a stage in my life where I need to know how to depend on myself, and I need my space). Life is good to me. My parents love me and I love them. We still don’t lie to each other, and we fully trust one another. What more could I ask for?

Lying is the Root of All Evil

اللي يكدب يعمل كل حاجة

Of course I wouldn’t believe dad when he first told me that, I just thought he was trying to scare me into never lying. But when I got older, he explained it more to me. When you lie, he said, and it goes undetected once, you learn how to do it, and it becomes easier. Later on, you do something you clearly know is wrong (like steal for example), then you lie to cover it. Once you do that it’s downhill from there -whatever you want to do you will do, and find a way to cover up and hide.

He also told me about a hadith for the prophet PBUH (which I later of course looked up and verified -I'm daddy's girl after all: think for yourself):

عن صفوان بن سلمان قال:
قيل يا رسول الله أيكون المؤمن جبانا؟ قال: نعم
قيل له: أيكون المؤمن بخيلا؟ قال: نعم
قيل له: أيكون المؤمن كذابا؟ قال لا
رواه مسلم.

Translated to English it would mean (this is not an official translation, just my own)

Someone asked: Prophet would the believer be a coward? He replied: Yes
Would the believer be a miser? He replied: Yes
Would the believer be a liar? He replied: No

(A believer here would be a believer in God)

Naturally I asked dad: why is that? His reply to me was: You can be born a coward, or a miser. This could be your natural instinct, and God would never punish you for what He created you with. But you’re never born a liar.

Makes sense, right?

Be Cautious... But With Limits

It's a healthy sign to worry about something -says my father, to want it to be perfect. It's also good to take caution in your actions. But don't over do it. He goes on to give me an example: being cautious not to spill the water in your glass, that's healthy. Worrying about it so much that you're shaking, you're going to actually spill it, that's not healthy.

No One Learns From the Pocket of Others

Or محدش بيتعلم من جيب غيره

That was never truer than when I literally paid money to compensate for giving an un-cleared discount on an item, back when I used to work for the family company. That certainly taught me a lesson!! No more discounts without clearing them properly first. It's self evident too. I still remember it... something that happened over 10 years ago. If he had simply told me don't do that again (I mean come on, I'm the boss's daughter) I wouldn't be here talking about it now. At the time I thought he was being too tough on me, it was my first mistake. Now I know better... much better.

You have to do things yourself to remember them. Getting down to the nitty gritty is the only way to learn.

You're a Princess

This is one of the things that were never said -it was just done. I remember back when my brother was a pain in the you know where, and we used to fight a lot, he told him: if you and I don't treat the women of this house like they're princesses, take care of them and pamper them, who will? How will people treat her if they see you abusing her? Respect your sister so that she knows what that's like. Respect your sister so that the world will. Respect your sister so that her husband will. You wouldn't want her to be mistreated by others would you?

He really said that.